"The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are." - John Pierpont Morgan -
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December 27thish is the time people start making New Years resolutions. They have eaten themselves into a Thanksgiving, Chaunkah, and Christmas coma. They have spent a lot of money on dinner parties, presents, family getaway trips etc... 
Who is really unavailable???
I hear all the time from single women that they keep attracting unavailable men. I am here to report that I WAS one of those women.
I got it all the time... “Michele... You are amazing. You are so smart, sexy, beautiful, you have your s#!t together... and I know Iʼm going to regret this one day... but I am just not able to give you what you deserve... You deserve better.” Itʼs like someone published “THE HOW TO BREAK UP WITH MICHELE AZENZER” script.
I have to say that I have dated some really incredible men. They were kind and sexy. They were successful and funny as hell. When we first start dating we were totally into each other. I felt empowered and desired. They'd call me, text me, take me out. They showed me their vunerable side and open up to me. I feltl closer to them. They felt closer to me. We got closer and then next thing I knew, I was calling them, texting them, asking them when we were going to see each other again. I became the “understanding woman.” The woman who “gets” the fact they have kids, a job, a divorce the are still dealing with. And to be honest I DO UNDERSTAND those things. They are very valid life things. But there is a difference between life getting in the way and the guyʼs excuses getting in the way. Timing had a lot to do with it but so did my PICKER.
So I started to really think about this after my last 3 month relationship. Letʼs call him Ted. Ted was awesome. We met online. He stated he was looking for a relationship. He was handsome and had a great smile. His profile cracked me up. The first time we talked on the phone it was as if we had known one another for a long time. He has a daughter that he is totally devoted to ( always a chick magnet by the way ) and was separated. In my empowered stage I asked him what separated meant. Were they maybe getting back together? Was it done done? He was very emphatic about expressing to me that they were done done and it was just a matter of the divorce going through.
We met - and from the first time I saw him I was a goner. I remember so clearly he was at the bar, I rushed up because my car was parked on a busy street and the valet wasnʼt there but I wanted to be on time. He turned his head at me, smiled and that was it. I went back outside and texted him that I thought he was super cute. Great date - sushi, drinks, kissing, more drinks, tons of laughing, more kissing.
It was great. All of a sudden, I was in fantasy mode. I hadnʼt met someone I liked in a LONG time. The last relationship I was in was about a year. He was an amazing man - truly the best man I have ever known, but there was no chemistry. It was a sad fact; but a fact nonetheless that couldn't be overlooked. So Ted.... He never made plans ahead of time. He wasnʼt affectionate. His pet name for me was “man”... I would tell him I liked him and he would say “Thanks Man.” There was no romance but we were connected in some way I still canʼt express in words. We had a great time but it wasnʼt going “there”. Whatever there was.HE WASNʼT AVAILABLE to me. The reality is I knew this early on. I kid you not... he once said goodbye to me by patting me on the back, yet I continued to think this may lead to something. What does this say about me? Why did I think this would be any different? I analyzed, I got anxious that he wasnʼt into me. I would get upset if I didnʼt hear from him. But you know what? This is what I know. Excitement in the beginning. Empowered in the beginning and at the blink of an eye expectations, anxiety and resentment pop up. This is MY SHIT - NOT THEIRS. This was comfortable for me because intimacy scared the living crap out of me. By setting my expectations on a person I hardly knew it would eventually not be enough and it would end. I have learned that most people go with what they know - not what they want, and most times those two are contradictory.
True intimacy isnʼt sex. It is about time and patience. It is about allowing. Intimacy takes work, but itʼs internal work. In this day and age with texting, instant messaging, and online dating everything is so rushed. Despite technology, we are people with fears, insecurities, faith, and hope. Those human characteristics cannot be rushed. You canʼt instant message trust, respect, security, or empowerment.
Ted was a true gift. They all were. I learned that I had to break these patterns of expectations. They were the death of me. I am ready to accept love from someone who can give it to me and to politely decline the oneʼs who canʼt. By politely declining I make the declaration that I want intimacy and love. It took what it took for me to become available and it feels amazing. What about you? Are you ready to make the change?
“I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life…”
Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.
It was a cowboy’s life, a life for someone who wanted no boss.
What I didn’t realize was that it was also a ministry.
Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, and made me laugh and weep.
But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night. I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partyers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.
When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.
Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.
But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation.
Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.
So I walked to the door and knocked. “Just a minute”, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80′s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knick-knacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.
“It’s nothing”, I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”
“Oh, you’re such a good boy”, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”
“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.
“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”
I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.
“I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I don’t have very long.”
I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to take?” I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.
“Nothing,” I said.
“You have to make a living,” she answered.
“There are other passengers”.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.”
I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.
I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware – beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
Have you ever experienced real time growth? I’m not talking about growing an inch taller or having your nails get longer... I am talking about observing yourself overcome obstacles in present time that used to baffle you in the past.
So many of us are seekers... We are people who strive to be better, feel better, and live up to our highest potential. We see therapists, attend workshops, read self help books, meditate, attend 12 step meetings etc... We are told that if we keep working on ourselves we will see immense change and growth beyond our wildest dreams. In many occasions we do, but from what I have heard and experienced is that we realize it after the fact.
It is truly a gift to experience ourselves feel different and react differently to a pattern as it is happening in the present moment. By doing this we are acknowledging ourselves for not only the work we have put in but also for coming out more enlightened and clear.
Acknowledging ourselves is KEY here. We are so prone to encouraging others but what about ourselves? When was the last time you said to yourself that you did a kick ass job on that presentation or that your apple and pear cobbler was beyond delicious. Have you ever truly looked at yourself and all you’ve done and celebrated YOU?
Doing the work that outside sources suggest is only one part of the work. Being your biggest fan and advocate is the other half of the equation. In order for us to move past our self-defeating patterns - it is imperative to focus on how far we have come - NOT on how much further we have to go.
Chinese Proverb
The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
Thomas A. Edison
I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.
This Thomas Edison story is one of my favorites. I paraphrase but it goes a little something like this:
Thomas Edison and his apprentice were working diligently in their laboratory trying to harness an electrical current into a conductor which would later be known as the lightbulb. However - each time they tried to harness the current it blew something up or started a fire etc... On the 999th time Edison and his apprentice tried to guide the electrical current to the metal conductor and a huge explosion occurred. The laboratory was a complete mess. The apprentice then asked: Mr. Edison, We have tried this 999 times and we keep failing. When are we going to just accept that what we are doing isn’t going to work? Thomas responded by saying: We have not failed 999 times - we now know 999 ways that don’t work.
IT IS NOT FAILURE.... IT IS SIMPLY FEEDBACK.
You see, Thomas Edison didn’t look at his failures as actual failures. He saw them as one step closer to achieving his goal.
This is the perfect example of acknowledging ourselves - IN PRESENT TIME.
Can you think of something right now that you are working toward that you can experience real time growth?
Please share your experiences after you have tried this. We are a community to encourage each other to be and feel better. M
