Who is really unavailable???
I hear all the time from single women that they keep attracting unavailable men. I am here to report that I WAS one of those women.
I got it all the time... “Michele... You are amazing. You are so smart, sexy, beautiful, you have your s#!t together... and I know Iʼm going to regret this one day... but I am just not able to give you what you deserve... You deserve better.” Itʼs like someone published “THE HOW TO BREAK UP WITH MICHELE AZENZER” script.
I have to say that I have dated some really incredible men. They were kind and sexy. They were successful and funny as hell. When we first start dating we were totally into each other. I felt empowered and desired. They'd call me, text me, take me out. They showed me their vunerable side and open up to me. I feltl closer to them. They felt closer to me. We got closer and then next thing I knew, I was calling them, texting them, asking them when we were going to see each other again. I became the “understanding woman.” The woman who “gets” the fact they have kids, a job, a divorce the are still dealing with. And to be honest I DO UNDERSTAND those things. They are very valid life things. But there is a difference between life getting in the way and the guyʼs excuses getting in the way. Timing had a lot to do with it but so did my PICKER.
So I started to really think about this after my last 3 month relationship. Letʼs call him Ted. Ted was awesome. We met online. He stated he was looking for a relationship. He was handsome and had a great smile. His profile cracked me up. The first time we talked on the phone it was as if we had known one another for a long time. He has a daughter that he is totally devoted to ( always a chick magnet by the way ) and was separated. In my empowered stage I asked him what separated meant. Were they maybe getting back together? Was it done done? He was very emphatic about expressing to me that they were done done and it was just a matter of the divorce going through.
We met - and from the first time I saw him I was a goner. I remember so clearly he was at the bar, I rushed up because my car was parked on a busy street and the valet wasnʼt there but I wanted to be on time. He turned his head at me, smiled and that was it. I went back outside and texted him that I thought he was super cute. Great date - sushi, drinks, kissing, more drinks, tons of laughing, more kissing.
It was great. All of a sudden, I was in fantasy mode. I hadnʼt met someone I liked in a LONG time. The last relationship I was in was about a year. He was an amazing man - truly the best man I have ever known, but there was no chemistry. It was a sad fact; but a fact nonetheless that couldn't be overlooked. So Ted.... He never made plans ahead of time. He wasnʼt affectionate. His pet name for me was “man”... I would tell him I liked him and he would say “Thanks Man.” There was no romance but we were connected in some way I still canʼt express in words. We had a great time but it wasnʼt going “there”. Whatever there was.HE WASNʼT AVAILABLE to me. The reality is I knew this early on. I kid you not... he once said goodbye to me by patting me on the back, yet I continued to think this may lead to something. What does this say about me? Why did I think this would be any different? I analyzed, I got anxious that he wasnʼt into me. I would get upset if I didnʼt hear from him. But you know what? This is what I know. Excitement in the beginning. Empowered in the beginning and at the blink of an eye expectations, anxiety and resentment pop up. This is MY SHIT - NOT THEIRS. This was comfortable for me because intimacy scared the living crap out of me. By setting my expectations on a person I hardly knew it would eventually not be enough and it would end. I have learned that most people go with what they know - not what they want, and most times those two are contradictory.
True intimacy isnʼt sex. It is about time and patience. It is about allowing. Intimacy takes work, but itʼs internal work. In this day and age with texting, instant messaging, and online dating everything is so rushed. Despite technology, we are people with fears, insecurities, faith, and hope. Those human characteristics cannot be rushed. You canʼt instant message trust, respect, security, or empowerment.
Ted was a true gift. They all were. I learned that I had to break these patterns of expectations. They were the death of me. I am ready to accept love from someone who can give it to me and to politely decline the oneʼs who canʼt. By politely declining I make the declaration that I want intimacy and love. It took what it took for me to become available and it feels amazing. What about you? Are you ready to make the change?
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