This is an interesting and layered concept. Just because we make mistakes doesn't mean we ARE a mistake. Just because we feel shame it doesn't mean we are shameful or bad people.
I have been reading about shame lately. One book in particular talks about healthy shame vs. toxic shame. Healthy shame is necessary because it teaches us boundaries. It teaches us humility. It reminds us that we are perfectly imperfect human beings. Toxic shame occurs when we take the emotion of shame - the feeling of shame - and make it our identity.
When one labels themselves as a failure or as a bad person because they are ashamed of something they did - it infiltrates every fiber of their being. This person will then be living in a false sense of reality. Their true self - their authentic self is neurologically replaced by a false self and the actions they take is based on being bad or completely flawed.
A few weeks ago I threw a baby shower for one of my best friends. There were about 40 people attending and I wanted it to be truly special and unique. Another friend was in charge of the food and I was in charge of the decorations, the beverages, hosting etc. To make a long story short I had a mini meltdown about 3 hours before the guests were to arrive. And when I say mini meltdown times that by about 100:) My friend who was in charge of the food was stuck on the 405 fwy - (for those readers who don't live in CA - it's basically a parking lot 6 days a week) - the only things I had in my house to serve was about 5 pounds of cucumbers and tomatoes, wine and water. When my friend called me to tell me she was running late I broke down. I was crying, I felt panic, I was pissed!!!! She felt awful and I felt awful. However, in the end - the food was picked up by another friend. The party was a huge success.
POINT BEING: I had a melt down. I was crying on the phone to my friend. She felt awful that I was panicked. I lost my composure. I FELT ASHAMED I reacted like that. She knew exactly what she was doing. She is the most trustworthy person I know. When she says she is going to do something she does it - but I lost it. I FELT ASHAMED.
After the guests left and we had our post party rap session I felt so ridiculous for acting like I did. We laughed at my break down and I am not going to lie - I made assumptions that this friend thought I was incapable of hosting a party in a calm and rational manner. I made assumptions that she thought I was a bit crazy.
Thankfully with all the work I do on myself and with others I was able to turn that around.
COMPASSION towards self is really one of life's true gifts. Because I had a "mini" meltdown doesn't mean my life is chaos. I am human. I have feelings. I AM NOT MY FEELINGS.
Be mindful of what you do with your feelings.
Compassion toward self - accepting your humanity - treating yourself like you would a small child when they spill something or break something... This will diffuse the shame that can take over your identity.
We are human, we are perfectly imperfect. How cool is that?
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